[if he had normal hands, he might be chewing on his nails right now. just biting those bastards right off. he pulls his knees up to his chest and pulls on his collar lightly the way he does want he's anxious.]
Well, the obvious answer is waking up here in general, but... [when did he actually reach his limit? selling his heart for fern, he thinks. seeing woody suffer such a raw humiliation by the andy snr ghost was rough, too, but that's not his story to tell.] I don't know. I could list off any number of terrible things that've happened to us or people we care about.
That is generally how this place goes. Eventually, you get to a tipping point.
[Hers had been the Titanic, absolutely and completely. When she followed the sound of the party on deck and watched people being sliced like they were meat. That had been the point she'd lost it. She'd managed to heal, much as one can, from that- but that was still the point that started off the downward spiral.]
What point did you realise you couldn't deal with it any more?
[Because as much as he would like to argue otherwise, he is definitely not dealing with it.]
I think... it was after that city under the water. When the orcs attacked.
[god, saying that in hindsight is weird. is this real? is he sure this is real? suddenly buzz isn't so sure.]
Ironhide gave me a lift away from a patrol, and while we were discussing our respective sizes, he told me about a... specific tactic that would make it easy for us to bring people down if we hit the right places in their legs. I didn't like it. [which is a nice way to say he had a straight up panic attack and almost ran from ironhide into danger just to get away from it.] I mentioned that underwater city-- I didn't like what Ironhide was saying because there were several times I almost did it to the people who were posing a threat down there.
[there's a pause where he sighs, looking away. he thinks of the zomtoys as well-- maybe he was okay with that when bo was around the share the burden of what they'd done, but now?]
I don't think I should be a toy for a kid as young as Bonnie when I've even considered things like that. Or anyone. [it's a loss of identity, as usual with buzz.]
[She spent most of her time there not really with it, trying to come down from the mess of the month before. She feels a twinge of guilt, for not catching just how badly it had affected him.
He continues to speak and realisation dawns. Oh. Oh no. She moves her hand, putting it on his arm holding it tightly.]
Oh, honey. No. You're still you. I know it's hard, that you feel you're someone different because we've had to change to survive. But you're still Bonnie's toy. She'll still love you no matter what. It's not like you're planning on doing anything like that to her, right?
[to be fair, he is an expert at repressing. very, very good. that being said, his expression looking downright sick at what she says likely answers it before he does.]
No! No. Never. [he shifts to hold her hand back, but it's a little bit of a weak grip.] I-- I guess I'm just struggling with the different stakes.
I can understand that. Trust me, I really do get it. But this place... Buzz, it ain't home. We have to learn to deal with it or this place will tear us apart. We've gotta be stronger than it. There's folk here who rely on us.
[Oh but she's not done.]
But that doesn't mean you have to keep it all inside, neither. Talking's important. I learned that one the hard way.
[he doesn't say it, but jessie knows him better than anyone else. she can probably tell from the cadence of his tone that he feels guilt for even needing this, even though she's literally telling him not to bottle it all up. buzz just... really feels like he shouldn't bother the others with his own problems. he's the space ranger.]
I get to a point where I just feel like there's nothing to say.
[She knows only too well about his tendency to bottle things up. It worries her on the regular. Perhaps more so because (aside from the thunderbird incident), Jessie tends to keep her emotions close to the surface. She's not so good at the burying thing. It's not healthy.]
Well... that's okay too. You don't always have to say anything. I'll still be there, even if you just wanna... sit a spell. I love you so much. You know I'm always here for anything you need, right?
[his heart can't NOT feel full when she speaks to him like that. as much as he holds his own emotions back from the surface, he's also quite easy to please.]
Does that work? I thought you had to talk about it.
Well. I reckon it's healthier to talk about it, but if you can't manage it right away... I think it's okay. Just so long as it's not hurting you too much.
[he doesn't expect an answer. as much as he loves and cherishes her, he knows she doesn't have all the answers. even if he does value her opinion and experience above nearly all else.]
Of course. Is, um. It's not too... small up here, is it?
[She wishes she had the answers for him. She wishes she could tell him it was all okay and nothing would hurt him like this again. But she can't. It would be too big a lie for her to bear.
She offers him the tiniest smile.]
It's okay. It never feels so bad when you're around.
no subject
How about you start by coming here and we'll carry on from there.
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Okay... [he comments as he sits down. w...what next?]
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Okay. Do you wanna start small? Lead yourself up to it. How did it all start?
ok the real one finally
Well, the obvious answer is waking up here in general, but... [when did he actually reach his limit? selling his heart for fern, he thinks. seeing woody suffer such a raw humiliation by the andy snr ghost was rough, too, but that's not his story to tell.] I don't know. I could list off any number of terrible things that've happened to us or people we care about.
thank you for the art
[Hers had been the Titanic, absolutely and completely. When she followed the sound of the party on deck and watched people being sliced like they were meat. That had been the point she'd lost it. She'd managed to heal, much as one can, from that- but that was still the point that started off the downward spiral.]
What point did you realise you couldn't deal with it any more?
[Because as much as he would like to argue otherwise, he is definitely not dealing with it.]
no subject
[god, saying that in hindsight is weird. is this real? is he sure this is real? suddenly buzz isn't so sure.]
Ironhide gave me a lift away from a patrol, and while we were discussing our respective sizes, he told me about a... specific tactic that would make it easy for us to bring people down if we hit the right places in their legs. I didn't like it. [which is a nice way to say he had a straight up panic attack and almost ran from ironhide into danger just to get away from it.] I mentioned that underwater city-- I didn't like what Ironhide was saying because there were several times I almost did it to the people who were posing a threat down there.
[there's a pause where he sighs, looking away. he thinks of the zomtoys as well-- maybe he was okay with that when bo was around the share the burden of what they'd done, but now?]
I don't think I should be a toy for a kid as young as Bonnie when I've even considered things like that. Or anyone. [it's a loss of identity, as usual with buzz.]
no subject
[She spent most of her time there not really with it, trying to come down from the mess of the month before. She feels a twinge of guilt, for not catching just how badly it had affected him.
He continues to speak and realisation dawns. Oh. Oh no. She moves her hand, putting it on his arm holding it tightly.]
Oh, honey. No. You're still you. I know it's hard, that you feel you're someone different because we've had to change to survive. But you're still Bonnie's toy. She'll still love you no matter what. It's not like you're planning on doing anything like that to her, right?
no subject
No! No. Never. [he shifts to hold her hand back, but it's a little bit of a weak grip.] I-- I guess I'm just struggling with the different stakes.
no subject
I can understand that. Trust me, I really do get it. But this place... Buzz, it ain't home. We have to learn to deal with it or this place will tear us apart. We've gotta be stronger than it. There's folk here who rely on us.
[Oh but she's not done.]
But that doesn't mean you have to keep it all inside, neither. Talking's important. I learned that one the hard way.
no subject
[he doesn't say it, but jessie knows him better than anyone else. she can probably tell from the cadence of his tone that he feels guilt for even needing this, even though she's literally telling him not to bottle it all up. buzz just... really feels like he shouldn't bother the others with his own problems. he's the space ranger.]
I get to a point where I just feel like there's nothing to say.
no subject
Well... that's okay too. You don't always have to say anything. I'll still be there, even if you just wanna... sit a spell. I love you so much. You know I'm always here for anything you need, right?
no subject
Does that work? I thought you had to talk about it.
no subject
Well. I reckon it's healthier to talk about it, but if you can't manage it right away... I think it's okay. Just so long as it's not hurting you too much.
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[please, wife, guide him through this. he can give all the advice to other people in the world but he's clueless when it comes to himself.]
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Well. Then I hope you can still at least come sit a while with me, even if you don't say anything. If that helps any.
OGJHHHH I THOT I TAGGED THIS
Of course. Is, um. It's not too... small up here, is it?
oh noooo
She offers him the tiniest smile.]
It's okay. It never feels so bad when you're around.
no subject
I won't want to come up here again, I just didn't want to give myself an out.
[he sighs a little.]
Let's go back downstairs.
no subject
[Yup, she's going to continue to be worried about him. He's such a gentle soul and she hates what this place is doing to him.]
Sure thing. Let's go.